i'm starting to...

Right now I'm in the very beginning of the long aftermath of one of the more emotional nights of my life. What happened is simple, but what it means is complex and difficult.

Last night began with my biology class, and with the fear and anticipation of whether or not I'm going to pass it. I can't help but feel like a colossal failure whenever I think about it, since this was supposed to be the semester that I do better than any other semester before. It looks like I still haven't learned much...

When I got home from class I found a letter for me on the kitchen counter. The letter was from Biola. I didn't get in.

It's not all bad, though at the same time, it kind of is. It's not a "rejection notice" the letter said, but more of a "wait notice". They decided it would be in my best interest to spend another year at community college, completing at least 24 transferable units while maintaining a GPA of 2.5 or more, and then reapply for the fall of 2010. But the thing is, I don't want to freaking wait that long. Restlessness is no longer creeping in, it's fully here and all around me. I don't like living at home. I don't like working at Islands. and I freaking hate Miramar.

But in those very thoughts God calls me out and reminds me in the weirdest way, that He loves me profoundly.

Not only am I probably over-reacting, but I've realized that within the last few months I've been getting what I deserve a lot. I've been experiencing the difficult and tangible repercussions of almost every major mistake I've made within the last two years or so. Needless to say, it's really hard. But the worst thing to do in this situation would be to forget that all of this is a trial, and that only by going through it will I be formed into a more Godly man. Complacency is no longer welcome in my life now. I will reject passivity and accept these challenges until I reach the next step in my life: graduating Biola.

Last night ended with strange and overwhelming mix of sadness, anger, and fear, and yet some comfort, while I stared into the face of the most beautiful indian I've ever seen.

God is so good to me.

i'm starting to...
believe the ocean's much like You.
because it gives and it takes away.